Within months of turning 50, I’m experiencing a fascinating mind dance between reflecting back on what I wanted to be when I grew up and still feeling like I am 17 with a lifetime ahead of me. Thoughts of ‘could have’, ‘should have’, and ‘would have’ tend to plague my psyche. I’m sure more blog posts will be generated from those thoughts.
During my high school graduation party back in 1984, I wrote I wanted to be a buyer for Neiman Marcus and raise show dogs…Dobermans. I don’t think I saw marriage or kids in my future.
My life looks nothing like what I anticipated at 17. While I still love fashion and would jump at the opportunity to be in that world, I’m a single mom with two teenagers living paycheck to paycheck. To that part of my psyche, sadly, there is no glamour and no need for the high artistry of designer fashion.
Do they have a ‘grant a wish’ foundation for single moms who want to wear designer clothes? Just asking?
Often, I wonder what is like to actually afford Chanel and wear it? I wonder how it feels to wear the lace and texture of Dolce & Gabbana? Louis Vuitton probably smells awesome when it’s real and new. I wouldn’t know. I’d like for nothing to come between me and my Calvin’s. Remember that from the 1980’s?
Armani, Gucci, Dior, Fendi, Prada, Ferragamo, Celine, Valentino, Bottega Veneta, McQueen, Balenciaga, Max Mara, Lanvin, Ralph Lauren, Givenchy, Marc Jacobs, Versace, Cavalli, Chloe, Etro, Missoni, Longchamp, Zoe, Eli Tahari, Weitzman, Choo, yes I can name them all. I would relish a job that provides such art to be placed on my body.
As my own personal stylist, I have mounted years of experience since 17 salvaging thrift stores and consignment shops for the latest unique piece. I’m a sucker for a great fedora! No politics govern who or what I wear. No one controls the brands I’m seen in on a daily basis. No one has since I told my mom to stop dressing me in kindergarten.
Ultimately I did not choose to pursue a life in fashion. How many of us actually live out what we hoped for at 15…16…17?
Why do dreams die? Or is it that they change, adjust, and adapt given reality (for most of us)?
When I chose to get married, I chose to sacrifice my personal desires and dreams in favor of a collective. When I chose to have kids, again, it meant giving up certain pursuits in favor of raising, caring, mentoring, teaching, and training two young lives.
If I’m honest, I made adjustments for two reasons. First, my psyche gets harassed by a lack of confidence. Over the years it has improved, but it rears its ugly head from time to time.
Failing to pursue dreams when you fear leads to dreams that never happen. It’s oppressive what a lack of confidence does. It kills aspirations. It takes potential and turns it into garbage.
I changed my major in college from fashion merchandising to mass communications. When I look back now, I know doubt played a factor in that choice. I decided to stick to reading my fashion magazines and scouring the Salvation Army instead of diving inspiration first into that creative world.
Second, adjustment came for me due to a Christian perspective. At 15, I knew God loved me and had purposes for me to fulfill. At the time I realized that reality, I did not know for certain what those purposes included, but I knew to pay attention to God moving within my life. It provided a framework in which to make decisions.
This eternal perspective moved my choices to focus on people rather than the art of fashion. It became a mantra of living for THE day not just TOday.
After college, I entered campus ministry with my now ex-husband. I gave up my media career as an executive news producer for an ABC affiliate given the rules of the Christian organization he worked for at the time we married.
Upon moving to the Dallas area, I enrolled in the Biblical Counseling program at Dallas Theological Seminary. Since graduating nearly 20 years ago, I’ve been working as a Sports Psychology Professional and Therapist.
My job, ironically, focuses on assisting others to achieve their dreams and goals. Often times overcoming a lack of confidence takes up our session discussion. I’ve had lots of practice at that. Perfect confidence not actually being something sustainable.
I’ve been a part of NFL dreams coming true and Team USA dreams coming true. I’ve seen young men and women achieve their college scholarship in their sport of choice. I’ve assisted others to lose weight and adopt a new clean eating and fitness lifestyle. Single ladies I have mentored are now married and happy. I’ve walked with marriages on the brink of divorce stay strong and continue.
I am in the business of hope. Hope does not pay well
for a closet full of high dollar fashion but not a bad gig for this 50-year-old.